Film: Kill Me, Ninja

“Ridiculous, muddled, boderline parody and
cinematic garbage”? So you ... didn’t like then?

Kathman's Review

An early trailer for “Ninja Assassin” was proud to announce the film’s connections to “The Matrix” – it was a “From the producers who brought you …” kind of thing – and why not? “The Matrix” made back its budget many times over, and could easily be described as, “stylish, trend-setting, innovative, mind-bending and kick ass.” I wouldn’t attribute any of these words to “Ninja Assassin,” but would instead come up with “ridiculous, muddled, borderline parody, and cinematic garbage.” Just to let you know how bad it is, it is on par with “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li” and “Push,” although the latter is infinitely more watchable.

Based on a story by Matthew Sand, the film centers on an ancient, secret society of ninjas, the Ozunu clan, that have been behind a plethora of political assassinations over the centuries. No one believes they exist except Mika (Naomie Harris), a Europol agent who, during a routine investigation, stumbles upon a suspicious money trail that leads back to the mysterious clan. Defying her superior’s orders, she digs deeper until her own life is at risk. Coming to her aid is Raizo (Rain), one of the clan’s deadliest agents who has gone rogue. He’s exacting revenge for the murder of his youthful love interest.

Despite having a “ninja” angle, this film doesn’t offer you anything you haven’t already seen in any number of cheesy B-level flicks starring Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme. In all honesty, my initial reaction to the trailer was “meh.” I only took a chance on “Ninja” because of its connection to the Wachowski brothers, who served as producers on the film. Additional incentives included the involvement of director James McTeigue, who impressed me a while back with “V for Vendetta,” and the presence of South Korean pop singer/megastar Rain, who, several years ago played a sweet mental patient in Chan-wook Park’s “I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK.” I’ve been smitten with the angelic looking singer ever since, however, I wasn’t so sure about his being cast as a violent, stoic assassin. I was right to doubt this choice. No matter how much blood and sweat they slather on his super wiry but muscled body, he still looks out of place. There’s some crack in the film about him looking like he’s in a boy band. Bingo. How true that is. He got his start in the boy band Fanclub. Why didn’t they just cast Rick Yune, who plays the rival assassin, in the lead? We know he can be intimidating. He played Zao, the diamond-encrusted faced villain in “Die Another Day.” But let’s not lay the film’s failure at Rain’s feet. What’s wrong with it goes way beyond the misguided casting of Rain. (Believe it or not, he’s slated to star in the “Enter the Dragon” remake.)

Rated R, the film promises the viewer “strong bloody stylized violence throughout.” And it comes through on that part. The ninjas fight with flying, razor-sharp curved blades that slice people in half. The beginning of the film contains some wince-inducing moments – lots of chopping, lots of blood – but instead of leaving you disturbed, the director follows the carnage with a silly close-up shot of a person squirting ketchup onto Texas fries. Not only does this take you out of the moment, but it makes you wonder if this is a parody. The scenes alternate like this throughout, which makes for a frustrating cinematic experience. I’m still not sure what the film wants to be or how it wants to be perceived. The uneven tone undoubtedly stems from the fact that Sand wrote the screenplay, and then, according to rumor, six weeks before filming was set to begin, the Wachowskis, unhappy with the script, brought in J. Michael Straczynski for a rewrite. Apparently, he finished it in 53 hours. That shouldn’t make anyone feel confident when $8 and 90 minutes are on the line.